I faked an abortion last night.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
