Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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