So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
