my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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