How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
