I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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