He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
