paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
