i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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