Sry I called you an 8
someone threw a dead crab at me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I love having hate sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Randomize
