My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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