Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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