Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
