Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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