Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i now understand why vodka
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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