What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
