my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize