Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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