i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Your dad touched me again.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
