What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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