I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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