My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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