well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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