Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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