Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
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Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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