I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
