Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
