Already got asked if we're dating
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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