What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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