My first STD was from a foam party
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
