Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
