Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just threw up on my dentist
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize
