Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
