What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
