If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
