remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
