I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
