How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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