just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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