The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
