My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize