This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
