Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
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Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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