Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
