just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
