idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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