Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
