mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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