Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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