Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
