I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
