You smell like stripper and shame
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
