guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
