I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
