He disabled his match.com account in front of me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
