Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
