you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
