im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
