i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's always time for handjobs
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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