i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
