In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
