I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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