we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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