why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need a beard to bite.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
